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From the Editor August 1st, 2004
Hello All You Happy People,
And welcome once again to Gobbledygook. I'm sorry that this issue has been quite untimely, I have been swamped with stuff that I had to do. Sadly, as I must go to college in about a week, issues from here on out are likely to be sporadic. I will continue to publish them occasionally, but, it will not be monthly. I'm sorry. On a brighter note, this issue is here, and you can enjoy it now. You will notice a new feature; the vote section, this month. I have asked several questions and would appreciate it if people would e-mail me their answers on the matter. Enjoy! panic!
Sincerely,
Trillium Meeks panic!
Entertainment
Movie of the Month: Miss Congeniality with Sandra Bullock. Ok, yes, I know it's an older movie, but it's so funny. Everyone should watch it sometime soon, it will make you laugh.
panic!
Song of the Month: Rockstar by Third Day. Ok, I know alot of you don't like them, but, this song really rocks, you should give it a chance.
panic!
Literary Selection of the Month: All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriot. A very good book about his experiences as a vet in small town England. panic!
panic!
panic!
Letters From You
THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY (LOTR) ARE THE BESTEST MOST BESTEST MOST BESTEST...ETC... BOOKS ON EARTH!!!! I understand that some people don't really appreciate them that much (like Hailey Faull!!! whom I don't think I've ever met...) but that gives them no reason to go and make me mad! Ok, well I'm not mad...I just felt like putting this in here to say something to those that are blinded by the light coming from these books! Blinded so they cannot see the wonderful works of J.R.R Tolkien!!!! panic!
Sincerely,one of those people who considers it my duty to annihilate Hailey Faull for making comments like panic!that, Karis West
I have heard from my sister Hailey that you have trouble getting along with tomatoes, and I just e-mailed to ask why and if you could take votes on Gobbledygook to see who agrees you on this strange case. If you have already done this, excuse me or intruding. panic!
Cate
Dear Cate, panic!
I cannot "get along" with tomatoes because their ultimate goal is world domination. They want to make all of us their slaves. I explained the whole plot and process in an earlier edition of GG if you would like to read it. I will indeed take votes on Gobbledygook to see who else has been enlightened about the true nature of these horrid beasts though. And you're not intruding, input is (almost) always welcome.
Sincerely, panic!
Trillium
Ponder Upon a Platypus
Ok, the question of the month is: "What is your all time favorite t-shirt?" Please describe it in sufficient detail. It can be one that you've owned, or that you've seen on someone else. Last months question was: "What are some of your favorite nicknames, either that you've had or that you've called other people?" Here are some of your answers:
panic!
"... Hmmm... well the only ones I'm called are Hal, and Hayleycoco... OH! and Plooshie, I like that one.  um... for the second half of the question, I like... I dunno, all my friends have normal names aka... Liz, Joe, .... OH! One that my friend called Philip is Pilp, and I think that's rather amusing. ;) anyway... that's all I can think of right now." - Hayley Pak panic!
panic! panic!
"Well here it goes, we (my family and some other missionaries) while living at MLC (the Missionary Learning Center) we lived by this lake like thing... and well there were lots of geese there, and there was this specific one that had a really, really big bottom! so we all named him "Big Butt" there! I thought it was pretty creative and funny...but I didn't know if a name counted seeing as how we named the big thing that! so I'll put another one as well...let's see.... oh yeah well another time when my family was living in Costa Rica, my friend Brette (girl) and I wanted nicknames so we decided to call ourselves by foods that sounded like our names: Brette = bread, and Karis = carrots...but of course we changed mine to Karrets! Just because it was more like my name! And I still have people calling me Karrets today! So it's a very nice panic!nickname that sticks!" - Karis West panic!
"I know this is late but I'm putting it anyways! My favorite cartoon is "Ed, Edd, & Eddy" I also like "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy" but I absolutely love those "Ed(d)(dy)" guys! They are so stupid it's just too funny!" - Karis West panic!
"My favorite nickname of mine would have to be BOB. I love Bob. I am Bob. My best friend is Bill. Though of course I have multitudes of other nicknames including Eeyore, Shorty, Shorter, Hyde, Satan, Little Devil, Jars of Clay Girl, Katie, Emily, Georgia TECH freak, etc.... but yeah, Bob is my favorite." -Anna Hull panic!
"One of my favorite nicknames, other than fartbrain,
is Trillydoodle. I am a font of many nicknames but most
are not flattering." - Fiestmeister
"I have a favorite nickname that came to mind when I panic!
read G. G. It was not mine but belonged to a very
nice gal at camp one summer. Her real name was Susan
but she got her nickname some time before that because
she liked to play in puddles of water. Thus, the
nickname ‘Puddles’. I just think it is cute. It puts
a picture in my mind of a little girl playing happily
in the rain puddles. What a happy thought." - Lucia Meeks
"I think that one of my favorite nicknames was "The Spinsters" which is what we called Stacey and Adrienne, who lived near us in Honduras. The other good one was "Dimpled Chad" which what we called our friend Patrick for some random reason. Nicknames that I've had that I liked include: Trill, Trillamum, Trillby, Trilly-Willy and Trilly-Doodle. I just warn you, don't try to call me the last two, they are people specific nicknames and no one else is allowed to call me that." - Trillium Meeks
"Codfish - I always thought that made the best nickname" - Stacey Starr
panic! panic! panic! panic!
Ridley's Ramblings
I am sorry to say that there has been a small mistake
in the credit given for this column.
It was actually entries from the dairies of the late panic!
Dr. David Livingstone. panic!
These works were written by him when he was sick with
malaria so the things said in them are some times not
conventional. This month I have edited his info on the
Boracho a small rat like mammal that lives in the
eastern Sahara desert. This little heard of animal’s
scientific name is the Epina Spineral. The Boracho is
a nocturnal creature that eats its fill from the many
bugs and lizards that live in the Sahara but only come
out of their borrows at night. Perhaps the most panic!
interesting thing about this mammal is that lays eggs
of a bluish tint. Now you may “know” that the platypus
is the only mammal that lay’s eggs this is not so. The
eggs of the Boracho are about an inch long and some
2-3 inches wide making them a very odd sight. The
natives used their eggs as money for many years. They
used the Boracho eggs this way so that no one could panic!
amass large wealth and buy another mans land. Boracho
eggs only last a few months before they begin to
hatch. Today only three Borachos are left because the
global warming has killed all of the bugs and lizards
that were their food. These three live in a small lab
in Baghdad where John L. Matterhorn cares for them.
panic! panic!
P.S. I have added some of the info that has to do with
the Borachos current state of being
panic!
Game Fame
Hello Everybody My Inbox is overflowing with E-mails of your favorite Games (Last Count 4) For every E-mail you send You will receive 25 Bucks ( Read the Disclaimer). And New To Game Fame: Five Things (It has to do with Games). And one more thing I DO NOT LIKE POKEMON It was the Editor carrying out her threat! Beware! Anyway The Top 5 games this month are:
1. Metriod Prime (GC) panic!
2. The Legend of Zelda and the Four Swords (GC)
3. Call Of Duty (PC)
4. Ratchet and Clank (PS2)panic!
5. Starcraft Brood Wars (PC)
panic!
Five Things We Wish We Could Forget
5.Not Being able to play that new video game on Christmas Morning.
4. The power going out just before you save the game after a hard boss is defeated.
3.When your parents come in the room and they see the Great Fairy
In The Ocarina of Time
2. Getting caught playing Video Games at 2:30 In the Morning panic!
1. Getting Beat By your 5 year old Cousin In Super Smash Bothers Melee panic!
panic!
DISCLAIMER We only ship to The Continental US You need to send 15 Dollars for shipping and handling 10 dollars for Insurance. Thank you for reading our disclaimer panic!
Ask Gilroy
Dear Gilroy panic!
How do you get your sister on a diet?
Boy with fat sister. panic!Dear person who is cruising for a bruising, First let me warn you that no girl (except for Honduran ones) will take it kindly if you call them fat, and your parents surely will be offended by the statement that you made. So have caution when speaking of this matter. The easiest thing would be to eat more yourself so that there is less food left for her. Other than that there is no good advice that I can give you. So Distressed (or just plain Gilroy) panic!
Advertisements
56k Dial-up Modems for sale they do not support Internet $29.99
One Nokia Cellphone Model 500 Lost. Call Homephone 123-4567 or Cellphone 910-876-5432 panic!
Your Votes
Ok, this is a new section which is designed to let y'all tell us what you think. I will post several options for each question, we would appreciate it if you would choose one of them and e-mail us with it.
1. Which do you think should be the official drink of Gobbledygook?
A. Dr. Pepper panic!
B. Root Beer
C. Coca-Cola
D. Mountain Dew
E. Whiskey
2. What is your opinion on tomatoes?
A. They are an evil alien race
B. I don't like them
C. I'm indifferent
D. I love tomatoes
E. What are you talking about? panic!
Credits
Gobbledygook would like to thank the following:
God For Everything
Ridley Meeks Ask Gilroy, Assistant Editor
Craig Melton panic! Game Fame
Trillium Meeks General Editor
Oreos Our Official Cookie
Squirmy the Wormy Our Mascot
The Internet For Making GG Possible
Bar-B-Que Because it's yummy
Crayons Cause We Love Them
All of Our Contributors Thank You!
And, Last, But Not Least, All of the Adults Who Support, Or At Least Tolerate, Our Wierdness
By Order of the Editor: All persons attempting to find a purpose in this publication will be prosecuted. All attempting to find a moral will be jailed. All attempting to find a point WILL BE SHOT!!! Anyone finding unacknowledged quotes from authors, living or otherwise, within the confines of this mental universe known as Gobbleland will be severely ignored. All persons disliking this publication will cease to exist.
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From the Editor June, 2004
Hello All You Happy People,
And welcome yet again to that frabjous wonder known as Gobbledygook. We apologize for the tardiness of this issue, we really have no excuse, it's just late. This month, we are proud to announce that there is now an official Gobbledygook website www.xanga.com/gookgobbledy at this point, it consists of mostly old issues, but, we will be adding to it soon, so check it out. Enjoy!
Sincerely,
Trillium Meeks
Entertainment
Movie of the Month: Shrek 2 Shrek and Fiona go to visit her parents and must deal with being ogres in an all human family. When you get a chance, you really should watch it. Very entertaining, and one of the few sequel movies that really measure up to the originals.
Song of the Month: As We Wept by Demon Hunter. One of our readers suggested this and, while I haven't actually heard the song, I liked the lyrics.
Ponder Upon a Platypus
Ok, the question for the month is: "What are some of your favorite nicknames, either that you've had or that you've called other people?" Please be kind and answer, you all know what will happen if you don't. Anyway, last month's question was: "What is your favorite cartoon?" Here are some of your answers:
"Tom and Jerry are THE best. There are so many good episodes of them that I can't say a specific one." - Hailey Faull
"Hmmmm, I really like Johny Bravo, Ed Edd and Eddy, and Bugs Bunny. I think the best episodes were; Johny Bravo - The Barney Stone; Ed, Edd and Eddy - The New Clothes; and Bugs Bunny - Either the Brunhilda Opera or The Hasan Chop." - Trillium Meeks
"I like Speed-racer, I'm not sure which episode is my favorite." - Candi West
"Pokemon is my favorite cartoon." - Craig Melton
"I like the cartoon of all the monks walking off the edge of the cliff, it's in Monty Python and the Holy Grail" - Fredrick Snagglepus
"This may sound strange, but, I've always loved Bumpity Boo, the talking, walking, zooming kind of car. He's just so cute and funny. My favorite episode is probably when he and Ken get lost at the bottom of the sea......those octopus babies are so cute." - Danielle Punches
"Little Dogs on the Prairie, I like the songs." - Molly Meeks
Letters From You
My conscience refuses to let me leave this alone. You have no right to
say anything against tomatoes! They taste good! Have you ever talked to one? What if they are suffering cruelly at the hands of merciless and wicked anti tomato-ists??? If you want to condemn a food, pick cabbage! Even the thought of cabbage is revolting, the smell is like a poison gas and they poison the minds of those who eat them, and they make you point your fingers towards the wonderful tomatoes. Who told you tomatoes were evil??? They have to be utterly retarded or else their taste buds aren't mature. I rest my case... for the moment.
The Lord of the Ring books are terrible. Not only does the author go
into WAY too much detail, but they are also unexciting, boring and are
the kind of books that you would read if you were super super bored.
Hailey Faull
Dear Hailey,
Well, I asked for an original argument, and you gave me one, so, I'll answer it. While many people may find cabbage revolting, it's not really the cabbages fault. See, long ago, the cabbage refused to help the evil alien race that is trying to take over our world through tomatoes. As punishment, the evil blobs genetically altered the cabbage to make it distasteful to many humans. However, the cabbage is truly a good vegetable and is on our side in this cosmic battle. As for your question about having talked to a tomato, yes I have; I know many people whose brains have been invaded by the foul vermin and I have actually talked to them and understand the full evilness of their plot. I think you might want to have your brain checked for larval creatures growing in it, you are starting to sound as if your thoughts have been almost completely taken over.
As for you comments on Tolkien and the Lord of the Rings, you are clearly a warped and unenlightened individual. I feel sorry for you and all others who are not capable of understanding and enjoying these great masterpieces. Oh, and I wouldn't go repeating your opinion just anywhere, there are people (like Smeagol and various others who read this magazine) who might consider it their duty to annihilate you for making comments like that.
I hope that this helps to answer your queries and change your faulty opinions.
Sincerely,
Trillium
I have recently realized how close to death I have been. In many cases if I had been present a few seconds before or after I was in a certain place I would be dead. It is amazing the risks we take to cross the road. I am surprised that this many of us have made it through all that. Take this topic into consideration all you "Wish-you-could-commit-suicide-without-it-being-obvious-that-it-was-on-purpose"rs. By the way, this thought occurred to me while watching one of these suicidal road-crossings attempted by a soon-to-be-roadkill.
Pil McGarvey
Thank you for your insight on this subject Pil. It is certainly an interesting view of the world. Continue in you philosophical thoughts.
Sincerely,
Trillium
The Editor's Thoughts On Various Non-Sense
Ten Wrong Ways to Eat a Reese's
1. Dissolve it into an enema and use it.
2. Melt poison into it and eat it.
3. Use high pressure to shoot it into the stomach from the rectum.
4. Dissolve it through the skin.
5. Dissolve it into IV solution and inject it.
6. Choke on it and die.
7. Eat enough of them to make yourself sick
8. Ingest it nasally.
9. Eat it while allergic to chocolate or peanuts
10. Eat it while committing a crime.
Ask Gilroy
Dear Gilroy, Can you explain to me how to build an
atomic bomb? I've looked for instructions on the
Internet and asked my parents to help me find a book
on it, but no one seems to know how to build one.
Please help.
Sincerely,
Muhammad D. Junior
Dear Muhammad,
I contacted my friends at Annihilation
Enterprises and got the instructions for Construction
Project: Atomic Bomb
INTRODUCTION
Worldwide controversy has been generated recently by
several United States government websites removing, or
restricting access to, material regarding technical
aspects of nuclear weapons; specifically, how to make
an atomic bomb. The reason usually given by the
Administration is that National Security would be
compromised if such information were generally
available. But, since it is commonly known that all of
the information is publicly available in most major
metropolitan libraries, obviously the Administration's
officially stated position is covering up a more
important factor; namely, that such atomic devices
would prove too difficult for the average citizen to
construct. The United States government cannot afford
to insult the vast majorities by insinuating that they
do not have the intelligence of a cabbage, and thus
the "official" press releases claim National Security
as a blanket restriction.
The rumors that have unfortunately occurred as a
result of widespread misinformation can (and must) be
cleared up now, for the construction project this
month is the construction of a nuclear device, which
will hopefully clear up any misconceptions you might
have about such a project. We will see how easy it is
to make a device of your very own in ten easy steps,
to have and hold as you see fit, without annoying
interference from the government or the courts.
The project will cost between $5,000 and $30,000
dollars, depending on how fancy you want the final
product to be. Since last week's column, "Let's Make a
Time Machine", was received so well in the new
step-by-step format, this month's column will follow
the same format.
CONSTRUCTION METHOD
1. First, obtain about 25 pounds (~10 kg) of
Plutonium239 at your local supplier (see NOTES 1 & 2).
A nuclear power plant is not recommended, as you'll
have to extract and separate it from spent fuel rods,
and it's a messy job. Besides, large quantities of
missing Plutonium tends to make plant engineers
unhappy. We suggest that you contact one of the former
Soviet Republics, or perhaps the Junior Achievement in
your neighborhood.
2. Fashion together a metal enclosure to house the
device. Most common varieties of sheet metal
can be bent to disguise this enclosure as, for
example; a briefcase, a lunch pail, or a Buick. Do not
use tinfoil or gum wrappers.
3. Arrange the Plutonium into two hemispherical shapes
separated by about 4 cm. Use rubber cement
to hold the Plutonium dust together.
4. Now get about
100 pounds (44 kg) of trinitrotoluene (TNT). Gelignite
is much better, but messier to work with. Your helpful
hardware man or local Bomb Depot store will be happy
to provide you with this item.
5. Pack the explosives around the hemisphere
arrangement constructed in step 4. If you cannot find
Gelignite, feel free to use TNT packed in with Playdoh
or any modeling clay. Colored clay is acceptable, but
there is no need to get fancy at this point.
6. Wrap this entire structure very tightly with duct
tape. Use a whole roll. This shall be the told y'all duct tape was important.
neutron reflector and inertial containment.
7. Insert the assembly from step 6 into the enclosure
made in step 2. Use a strong glue such as "Crazy Glue"
to bind the hemisphere arrangement against the
enclosure to prevent accidental detonation which might
result from vibration or mishandling.
8. To fabricate a detonator for the device, obtain a
radio controlled (RC) servo mechanism, as found in RC
model airplanes and cars. With a modicum of effort, a
remote plunger can be made that will strike a
detonator cap to effect a small explosion. These
detonation caps can be found in the electrical supply
section of your local supermarket. We recommend the
"Blast-O-Mactic" brand because they are no deposit-no
return.
9. Now hide the completed device from the neighbors
and children. The garage is not recommended because of
high humidity and the extreme range of temperatures
experienced there. Nuclear materials corrode easily,
and devices have been known to spontaneously detonate
in these unstable conditions. The hall closet or under
the sofa will be perfectly suitable.
10. Now you are the proud owner of a working nuclear
device! It is a great ice-breaker at parties; is nice
to cozy around on a cold night; and in a pinch, can be
used for National Defense.
III. THEORY OF OPERATION
Oversimplified, the device basically works when the
detonated TNT compresses the Plutonium into a critical
mass (smaller sphere). The critical mass then produces
a nuclear chain reaction similar to the domino chain
reaction The chain reaction happens really,
really fast, which promptly produces a big explosion.
And there you have it, a 10 kiloton party favor!
IV. NOTES
1. Plutonium (PU), atomic number 94, is a radioactive
metallic element formed by the decay of Neptunium and
is similar in chemical structure to Uranium,
Saturnium, Jupiternium, and Marsium. Not to be
confused with Unobtanium or Balonium.
2. Please remember that Plutonium, especially pure,
refined Plutonium, is somewhat dangerous. The shavings
and dust have a nasty habit of igniting spontaneously,
and are practically impossible to extinguish with
materials found around the house.
Wash your hands with soap and warm water after
handling the material, and don't allow your children
or pets to play in it or eat it. Any leftover
Plutonium dust is excellent as an insect repellent.
You may wish to keep the substance in a lead box if
you can find one in your local junk yard, but an old
coffee can will do nicely.
Hope this helps.
Sincerely,
Gilroy
Please note that Gobbledygook does not endorse or recommend the making of atomic weapons by unauthorized individuals, these instructions are here for strictly educational and informative purposes.
Did You Know?
THE PHOAMNNEAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh?
Well if you can't understand what it says then you're weird! Most everyone gets the second word wrong but thats only because its a hard word....here is what it says:
THE PHENOMENAL POWER OF THE HUMAN MIND
According to research at Cambridge University, it doesn't matter in what order the letters in a word are, the only important thing is that the first and last letter be in the right place. The rest can be a total mess and you can still read it without a problem. This is because the human mind does not read every letter by itself, but the word as a whole.
Amazing huh?
Just a general survey: Tell me if you could read the first version easily, had trouble but could still read it, or just couldn't get it at all.
Ridley's Ramblings
This month I will be writing a column on the entrapment of live animals.
The subject this column will be the anaconda. There
are several ways to capture these snakes.
The first and easiest way is to use a poison dart of
some sort (Note: Do not us fatal poisons; look up the
list of poisons that snakes have fatal reactions to
and the ones that do not affect them). There are also several more primitive and dangerous (to the captivator) ways. But these ways are still effective. I will only list one of these methods here.
This method is called the Salami method. You will need
salami about the same length as the anaconda a
diameter of about 2.987 times the diameter of your
snake. Now take your salami and place it in a hole at
an approximate 60-degree angle from the ground and
slice off the end. Then leave it alone for about 16
hours. When you return there should be a very stiff
anaconda lying on the ground simply pick it up and
carry it to your containment area. It will spit out or
digest the salami in about two days. Please note that you should be prepared to deal with an unhappy anaconda at that time.
Credits
Gobbledygook would like to thank the following:
God For Everything
Ridley Meeks Assistant Editor
Trillium Meeks Editor
Anacondas For Being Captured
Karis West Did You Know?
Oreos Our Official Cookie
Squirmy the Worm Our Mascot
Socks Seldom Noticed; Always Important
All of Our Contributors Thanks for your help
And, Last, But Not Least, All of the Adults Who Support, Or At Least Tolerate, Our Wierdness
By Order of the Editor: All persons attempting to find a purpose in this publication will be prosecuted. All attempting to find a moral will be jailed. All attempting to find a point WILL BE SHOT!!! Anyone finding unacknowledged quotes from authors, living or otherwise, within the confines of this mental universe known as Gobbleland will be severely ignored. All persons disliking this publication will cease to exist. | | |
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From the Editor May 1st, 2004
Hello All You Happy People, Don't read this part
And welcome once again to Gobbledygook, the magazine written by wierdos, for wierdos. As that says, if you're not wierd, you probably won't enjoy our magazine, and, we don't really care. We are glad to announce that the long-absent History section has returned, with all of it's old flair and hilarity, we hope you enjoy it. Please remember that we welcome contributions to all sections of our magazine, just send your thoughts to the editor and she will put them in their proper locations. Enjoy! Don't read this part
Sincerely,
Trillium, The Editor
Entertainment
Song of the Month: Dandelions by Five Iron Frenzy. I think I'll just print the lyrics and let them speak for themselves; very good.
In a field of yellow flowers, underneath the sun, Don't read this partbluest eyes that spark with lightning, boy with shoes undone. He is young, so full of hope, reveling in tiny dreams, filling up, his arms with flowers, right for giving any queen. Don't read this partRunning to her beaming bright, while cradling his prize. A flickering of yellow light, within his mother's eyes. She holds them to her heart, keeping them where they'll be safe, clasped within her very marrow, dandelions in a vase. She sees love, where anyone else would see weeds. all hope is found. Here is everything he needs. Fathomless your endless mercy, weight I could not lift. Don't read this partWhere do I fit in this puzzle, what good are these gifts? Not a martyr, or a saint, scarcely can I struggle through. All that I have ever wanted, was to give my best to you. Lord, search my heart, create in me something clean. Dandelions you see flowers in these weeds. Gently lifting hands to heaven, softened by the sweetest hush, a Father sings over his children, loving them so very much. More than words could warrant, deeper than the darkest blue, more than sacrifice could merit, Lord, I give my heart to you. ![]()
Don't read this part
Literary Selection of the Month: This Present Darkness and Piercing the Darkness by Frank Peretti. These books are very well written, you can almost see the characters and places he's describing in them. Also, while the story is fictional, the basic concept behind the story is true, which makes for very interesting reading. They have been added to my list of excellent books, just below Tolkien's masterpieces on Middle Earth. (If you haven't read those yet, why are you wasting time on my nonsense? Find them, read them, you'll like them much more than the movies.)
Don't read this part
Web Site of the Month: http://cafeshops.com/rightwingstuff cool site with alot of bumper stickers, T-shirts, and other stuff expressing Pro-Life, Pro-Bush and the like opinions. Please be advised that a couple of these do have some language problems, but most of them are clean and very funny.
Riddle: The maker doesn't want it, The buyer doesn't need it, and the user can't see it! what am I? The answer to this riddle will appear in next month's issue of Gobbledygook. If you think you know the answer, feel free to send it in, we might publish it.
Don't read this part
History
The History Of Necklaces
A long time ago, during the age of cave men, a man named Grog invented the ham-mer. It was a lovely invention which silenced all of the women permanently, but we don't have time to discuss it here, please refer to last year's Gobbledygook issue from August for the whole story. Anyway, About 20 years after he invented the ham-mer, his son, who was born in the pre-ham-mer days, was getting rather old. And his son, and the other men of that generation, (actually, that generation was all men thanks to Grog's invention) began to wonder what their fathers had been thinking when they did away with the women folk. So, they sent messengers to the far reaches of the earth to find women to bring back to them. After a careful search, and much bartering, they found some women that would come back to their village with them. They brought them home, and after another 20 years, the woman species had multiplied to the point that there were more of them than men. Now Grog's Great-Grandson (actually, he wasn't that great, he was kind of mediocre) realized how wise his grandfather had been, but now it was too late, for many of the men enjoyed having warm meals ready for them to eat when they got home from hanging out with their buddies.....wait, I mean, when they got home from hunting. However, all of the men agreed that the women were far to noisy and bossy, so, they sent Derk, son of Jerk, to the great wise guy, Hud to find out how to keep the women alive without having to listen to their chatter all the time. Hud told Derk to take a rope and put an ornament that the women would think was pretty, like a stone, on it. Derk was to tie this around the women's necks, starting with it hanging very loosely around their neck, but tightening it every night. When the device got just tight enough so that the women couldn't speak, but could still breathe, Derk was to stop tightening it and leave it on their necks at just that tautness. Derk went home and told the other guys what the wise guy had said. They all followed his advice exactly as he had told them, because cavemen always paid close attention and followed directions. Hud's plan worked, the ropes kept the women from speaking, and none of the women would take their ornaments off because they thought they looked pretty. Derk however, never gave credit for the invention to Hud, he claimed the idea was his own and marketed it, becoming a very rich man. He called it a Ne Cklass, which means less nag in his language. Without the women to bug them, all of the cave men lived very happy lives, hunting, fishing, hanging out with their buddies, eating nice warm meals when they came home, and never having to hear their wives complain about their activities, or anything else. This happy arrangement would still be working today, except for the fact that Women's Lib came around and spoiled it all. - Taken from the Diary of Herk, son of Derk
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Ponder Upon a Platypus
Ok guys, this is the infamous section where we ask a question, and you answer it, or you don't answer it. If the later is the case, we just might make up an answer and put your name on it, so watch out. Last month we asked you: "What is your biggest pet peeve?" These are the answers we received. For this month, we are asking: "What is you all time favorite cartoon? If you can describe your favorite episode of it, please do so." We look forward to hearing your answers.
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"Thats easy!! I HATE it when people start telling you something, then stop in mid-sentence, and say, "never mind." and walk away, I'm like, "hey you should tell me the whole thing, or better yet, not tell me at all!" lol. But I hate how they say never mind then walk away, and expect you to follow them and beg them to finish, which by the way I don't do. :) I also hate how my brother always knocks my headphones off my head whenever I'm listening to music! lol." - Hayley Pak
"Hair on peoples' shirts. I aways pick it off the people I am talking to, and the people sitting in front of me at church. Bugs the heck out of me." - Nisri
"My biggest pet peeve is the time you petted the pet and the petting induced pet-injected rabies.... not that any petting of mine to a pet with pet-injected rabies ever made me answer such a question as this pesky, pet-infested trivia about petting a pet." - Pil McGarvey
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"My biggest pet peeve is when people scratch their nails on the chalkboard" - Sarah O'Connor
"I think the thing that annoys me the most is bad etiquette in e-mails. When people who know better mis-spell things, don't capitalize anything, or don't punctuate their e-mails, it drives me nuts. It's like they don't think that the letter they are writing (and therefore by extension, me) is worth the time to do it right. Or, when you get an e-mail with more addresses and people it has been forwarded to before at the top than there is actual message. There is a reason that we have BCC boxes and Copy and Paste buttons. The other thing that really drives me insane is people who talk on their cell phones when you're sitting right there trying to talk to them-ugh, annoyance. - Trillium Meeks |
"My biggest pet peeve is when my sister comes in from doing something dirty ,and goes to my room to read and she gets UNDER THE COVERS ,with her dirty feet, and when she has a cold she leaves USED Kleenexes IN MY BED ( by the way , I am extremely obsessed about keeping my bed clean), and I hate it when she sneezes and does not cover her mouth" - Sophia Fields
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"My biggest pet is my sister's humming,singing,whistling etc. all day long 24/7. She does it subconsciously & it drives me up the wall when I am trying to study!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - Savannah Fields
"Well one of my biggest pet peeves is trying to think of my biggest pet peeve" - Karis
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Letters From You
I must say I was deeply hurt by the inhumane backstabbing toward
tomatoes that was done in this last issue of Gobbledygook. Backstabbing
hurts tomatoes more than you know, but that also depends on which type
of knife you're using. If you must, butter knife will do less damage.
oh, yeah, back to what my point......do you have any proof that tomatoes
are evil? Don't hold it against them that they're not the tastiest of
fruits, fruit racism is un-called-for. I do, however agree that being so
untasteful is unpleasant, but evil? I don't know....... So if you have any proof, I'd like to hear it. Be
aware next time that publicly mentioning tomatoes will cause quite a
wide-spread war between faithful tomato lovers and anti-tomato-ists.Of
course, nothing compared to the great war of the grass vs. the powerful
Josh and lawnmower. Your Tomato-Debating Companion, Don't read this part
Lizzy
I like the grass!!!!!!!!! If you want to cut it and fight then you are
just cruel!!!!!!!!!! And tomatoes taste really good and I like them
alot!!!!!!!!!!!
Hailey Faull Don't read this partDear Hailey, Lizzy, and all others who wish to defend the vileness, Tomatoes, all tomatoes, even chocolate covered ones, are evil, therefore they deserve to be back stabbed. As for proof, Don't read this part while it does exist, it is highly dangerous to give out because the evil creatures whose larvae are in the tomatoes will try to annihilate all who know the proof. They have been after me for a long time, if I ever disappear, know that they got to me So, in the interest of keeping you and all my readers safe, I decline to state the proof of the evilness of tomatoes here. Also, please note that we will no longer be publishing any pro-tomato letters unless they have something truly original to say. Sincerely, The Editor Don't read this part
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Quacked-up Quirky Quotes
"He (Bush) is attacked by hairy baboons from the far interior of the African jungles - AKA: Liberals" - Jaron Pak
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"Five Iron Frenzy is the next best thing than God and
well your parents....but they are amazing and everyone
should own every one of their cd's. There is not one
thing wrong with them at all" - Found on the Interweb "Intelligent" & "liberal" are antitheses." - Also found on the Interweb "Nothing is wrong with Hollywood that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." -- Ross MacDonald
"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction." -- General Douglas MacArthur "A synonym is a word you use if you can't spell the other one." - Unknown
"I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?" - Unknown
"43% of all statistics are useless." - Same as the last two
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Gum from the bottom of shoes for sale. Low prices, high quality. Contact John Thay for more information.
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A site you might enjoy http://www.angelfire.com/hero/paintmaster/ go, check it out, it belongs to a guy I know, he adds to it regularly and some of it's pretty good. And he gives Gobbledygook a lovely recommendation.
Found: One pair of pants. They are not my pants, I don't know whose they are. If you own them, or know who does please call me at 789-5764
Join the Gobbledygook Fan Club. It's fun, it's free, and it makes us happy. E-mail the editor at trillamum@yahoo.com to join or to get more information.
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Credits
Gobbledygook would like to thank the following:
God For Everything
Ridley Meeks Assistant Editor/History
Trillium Meeks General Editor
Cameras For Taking Pictures
Boxes For Their Many Uses
The Alphabet For Letting Us Use It
Squirmy the Worm Our Official Mascot
Algae I Don't Know Why
All of Our Contributors We Can't Write This Alone
And, Last But Not Least, All of the Adults Who Support, Or At Least Tolerate, Our Wierdness
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By Order of the Editor: All persons attempting to find a purpose in this publication will be prosecuted. All attempting to find a moral will be jailed. All attempting to find a point WILL BE SHOT!!! Anyone finding unacknowledged quotes from authors, living or otherwise, within the confines of this mental universe known as Gobbleland will be severely ignored. All persons disliking this publication will cease to exist.
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From the Editor April 1st, 2004
Hello All You Happy People,
Here's what you've all been waiting for, or dreading; the next issue of Gobbledygook. Now I've been thinking (a dangerous occupation if you aren't used to it, please do not try it at home) and I have come to the realization that we have gotten several new readers lately, and it has been quite awhile since we stated our official policies, so here goes. First of all, everyone should understand that if you don't like getting this publication, tell me and I won't send it to you again; believe me our feelings will not be hurt. Secondly, we welcome and sometimes even demand contributions to all areas of our paper. Thirdly, and possibly most important, if you want to read something that is serious, boring, and makes sense in any universe other than my own; please look elsewhere. Thank you. Enjoy! dog breathe
dog breathe
Sincerely,
The Editor
Entertainment
Movie of the Month: Cut Throat Island This one has it all, pirates, guns, ships, hidden treasure, even a bit of a love story for those of you who are into that kind of thing, but, best of all; no Orlando Bloom!!! I am so sick of seeing that man's face and hearing girls talk about his "dreamy eyes" UGH!!! Please people, find something else to obsess about if obsess you must. Anyway, 'tis a good movie. dog breathe
dog breathe
Song of the Month: Lose This Life by Tait. Yes, this is the Micheal Tait from DC Talk, and we're still not particularly happy with any ex-member of that band, but, it is a good song. Also recommended by Hailey Faull: The way I feel from 12 Stones dog breathe
Literary Selection of the Month: For Life and Death by Philip McGarvey. It's not totally finished yet, but it's about soldiers, fairly well written, if you get a chance, you should read it.
Web Site of the Month: http://www.homestarrunner.com This is a cartoon guy named Strongbad who is extremely funny. Check it out next time you're bored. dog breathe Ponder Upon A Platypus
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Ok, the official question of the month is: "What is your biggest pet peeve?" Now, I'd like to remind everyone that my policy has always been, and still continues to be, that if you don't answer a question, I may, at my discretion, invent an answer and attribute it to you. So, make my life and your's much easier, answer the question. Last month we asked people what the best practical joke they ever played was, here are some of your answers:
"That's hard, I can't remember too many, but there were some really good ones... lets see. Well... this isn't really one, but I think its good enough; I like telling people things, then twisting the words around so that I'm not lying, but I can still do whatever I want... like if my brother asks me not to do something, I will promise him something, but then do it, and in some way, have twisted it, so that I can get around it without lying. That's always fun." - Hayley Pak
"Haha, I love practical jokes, as long as I'm the player and not the playee. I think the best thing I ever did was when I found this HUGE dead spider in our pila (large tank of water that sits outside for washing clothes to all of you uninitiated ones) I fished him out and spent like 30 minutes posing him just right on top of my mom's washing machine so that he looked like he was still alive. When she saw him the next morning, she freaked out, it was so funny. The other one, which isn't really very difficult, but always gets a good reaction, is to get close to my little sister and suddenly jump and scream: "Molly a roach!" She jumps every time, and usually screams too. It works better if you have something to throw that will roll along the floor, then she really goes nuts. I also used to do that to one of my friends who was terrified of fish, she'd be in the water and I'd get up close and launch a stick or something in her general direction and say: "Marci, fish!" and she'd jump out. I'm so mean sometimes." - Trillium Meeks
"Practical jokes is a term widely used but, as with tomatoes, wrong and misused. No joke is practical. Practically all practical jokes are practically unpractical. Therefore, I ask for a different Ponder Upon A Platypus question that is more practical." - McGarvey Boy (I suspect Josh)
"Ahhum(clears throat) Ok, well I don't play that many practical jokes on many people! I just like to scare people alot! Especially my sister! One time I had this toy gun and I was hiding behind a corner in Candi's room and Candi was doing one of her mirror commercials..."Weird Candi" (you mean that there's a normal Candi?) and I wasn't expecting her to come around the corner but she did when I wasn't looking and so really quickly I pointed the gun to her while jumping from around the corner but I was semi-scared to so I had an evil look on my face! Candi didn't recognize me so she jumped and held her heart them she noticed it was me and started yelling at me! But I thought it was funny! (y'all had to be there) but many other times I have scared her! She just screams at the top of her lungs!(a scary thought) I also like to get a leaf or something and kinda slowly run it up peoples legs when they are staring at bugs or spiders or something! And no matter how many times you do this it *usually * works! and your opponent will start screaming really loud! Ok well that's a book!" - Karis West dog breathe
| Did You Know
A Saudi Arabian woman may divorce her husband if he refuses to give her coffee.
When you are drinking coffee you are drinking fruit juice. Coffee is not made from beans, but rather the pit of a cherry.
Americans consume 4,848 cups of coffee per second, 24 hours a day.
According to Dr. Bruce Ames, University of California at Berkeley, there are more than 1,000 chemicals in a cup of coffee. Of these, only 26 have been tested, and half caused cancer in rats.
The world's costliest coffee, at $130-$300 a pound , is called Kopi Luwak. It is in the droppings of a type of marsupial that eats only the very best coffee beans. Plantation workers track them and scoop their precious poop.
In Turkey, in the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries, anyone caught drinking coffee was put to death. dog breathe
Coffee creamer is extremely flammable. I wonder if this is really true..........interesting idea for an experiment dog breathe
Coffee is the second largest item on international commerce in the world.
According to the National Safety Council, coffee is not successful at sobering up a drunk person, and in many cases it may actually increase the adverse effects of alcohol.
A single coffee tree yields only one pound of roasted, ground coffee annually.
The darker the coffee bean, then the less caffeine. The longer the bean is roasted, the more the caffeine gets cooked away.
A cup of drip brewed coffee has 115 mg of caffeine, an espresso has about 80 mg, instant coffee has about 65 mg, and decaffeinated coffee has about 3 mg.
With more than 25 million people employed in the industry, coffee is second only to oil in world trade.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
A survey of Americans showed that coffee was the most memorable smell followed by peanut butter and Vick's Vaporub. dog breathe
The word "tip" is also related to coffee. It comes from old London coffeehouses where the waiters' brass boxes were etched with the inscription, "To Insure Promptness."
The US Navy used to serve alcoholic beverages on board ships. However when Admiral Josephus "Joe" Daniels became Chief of Naval Operations, he outlawed alcohol on board ships, except for very special occasions. Coffee then became the drink of choice, hence the term "Cup of Joe".
Regular coffee drinkers have about 1/3 less asthma symptoms than those of non-coffee drinkers according to a Harvard researcher who studied 20,000 people.
Finland consumes the most coffee per capita at 12.82 kg.
Originally, coffee beans were used as a food and not as a beverage. East African tribes would grind the coffee cherries together, mix it into a paste with animal fat, then roll it into little balls. The mixture was said to give warriors much-needed energy for battle.
Around the year 1000 AD, Ethiopians concocted a type of wine from coffee berries, fermenting the dried beans in water. dog breathe
The heavy tea tax imposed on the colonies in 1773, which caused the "Boston Tea Party," resulted in America switching from tea to coffee. Drinking coffee was an _expression of freedom.
For reducing wrinkles and improving their skin, the Japanese have been known to bathe in coffee grounds fermented with pineapple pulp.
Frederick the great had his coffee made with champagne and a bit of mustard.
The best coffee in the world comes from the central mountain regions of Honduras, but you probably already knew that.
Quacked-Up Quirky Quotes
"Life isn't about the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away; like choking." - Found on an Away Message
"The Sea-Monkey has my money" - Dory, from Finding Nemo
"Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming swimming............" - Also Dory
"Live fast, play hard, give your all, and die young" - Anonymous
"It's only funny until someone gets hurt.......then it's hilarious!" - Found on a drink holder
"A person might be smart, but people as a group are dumb, panicky animals and you know it." - K, from Men in Black
"You don't have to be crazy to be my friend, but it sure helps" - Take a guess
Humour
Wilfred had just learned his ABC's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg." dog breathe
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous. dog breathe
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
dog breathe
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Wanted: Copies of the original Gutenberg Bible. Willing to pay up to $20.00 a piece for volumes in good condition.
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Help Wanted: I'm stuck in my house in a fire. Somebody please call the fire department.
For Sale: Limpiras. Special rate for next two weeks: two limpiras for one US dollar. Contact Trillamum for more information.
Join the Gobbledygook Fan Club. You'll get enjoyment, prestige and money if you do. Well, maybe not prestige and money, but at least you'll get enjoyment. E-mail the Editor trillamum@yahoo.com for more info on how to join.
Letters From You
Ok, first of all I just wanted to say that TOMATOES are NOT, YES I SAID NOT, evil fruits! And yes, they are fruits. If it were up to me they would be a vegetable but they aren't! And thats ok with me now! I, unlike the Meeks family and friends, happen to LOVE tomatoes! Especially with salt! Of course, I like most things with salt..(Karis starts thinking of all the things she likes with salt "tomatoes, lemons, limes, cucumbers, all soups! unless they are like creamy, spaghetti!; Karis suddenly snaps back to the letter she was writing to Gobbledygook!) Oh yeah um...tomatoes are also really good for your heart, but sadly, salt isn't so it doesn't do any good for me! My favorite part of the tomato would have to be the juicy slimy seeds! (with salt,otherwise they are just slimy and kinda weird) Umm my point is that I don't like all the "EVIL" comments about my yummy friends the tomatoes! Oh yeah, Paul I talk to myself too; so you are not alone!
Sincerely Angered By All The Tomato Comments,
Karis West
Dear Karis, dog breathe
I'm so sorry that such a nice and wonderful person as you has not yet seen the light and realized the true nature of the evil tomato. Unfortunately, there are many like you still in the world. Which is why I'm calling on all of you who understand this horrid thing's sinister plot to help me spread the word and save unsuspecting millions from the certain doom of having their brains taken over by malicious aliens. We must stop them before it is too late.
Sincerely Hoping to Save the World, dog breathe
Trillium (the Editor)
Well, spring is upon us, and up in the US, that means that everyone is starting to cut their grass again. (Yes my friends, there actually is a season up here during which the grass doesn't grow and people don't cut it.......strange) Anyway, I received this anecdote and warning from a poor, tortured child who had to fight the grass, and wanted to share it with all of you. dog breathe
Today, I fought in a war. You're probably wondering, "What are you
talking about Josh? You're just 15." Well, I will tell you. Today I
fought the war against the dreaded grass. They are always getting new
recruits, and continue to grow even if you cut them down. To start this
battle, I had to form an alliance with another of mans greatest enemies,
the lawn mower. The only reason it allied with me, is because the grass
is his enemy as well. As I entered the battle I could see the huge army
of the grass. I went in there and started to hack away at the immense
army, little did I know that the grass was forming a plan. It seems that
the grass formed an alliance with the dead sticks, and as I was mowing
down the grass, a dead stick passed under the lawn mower. It also appears that the dead sticks paid the lawn mower enough to double cross me. So as I passed over the dead stick, the lawn mower shot it up at me and the dead stick hit me in the heart. I was told that a fellow comrade saw me go down and was able to rescue me from being destroyed by the grass. They were also able to retrieve the kamikaze and learn of their secrets. I am on my way to a full recovery and I think I will petition for a Purple Heart. Though this story is mostly fiction, things like this happen every day. The moral of this story (it's the point I hope I've made) is this, "If you fight in a war, be sure to pay your lawn mower enough."
Sincerely, dog breathe
Josh
Credits
Gobbledygook would like to thank the following:
God............................................................For Everything
Ridley Meeks..............................................Assistant Editor
Trillium Meeks............................................Editor
Dog Tongues.............................................For Being so Strange
Mice.........................................................How else would we talk to the computer?
Fingernails................................................I Don't Know Why
Crab Claws...............................................Cause They're Funny
All of Our Contributors...............................We Love Y'all
And, Last But Not Least:
All Of The Adults Who Support, Or At Least Tolerate, Our Wierdness
By Order of the Editor: All persons attempting to find a purpose in this publication will be prosecuted. All attempting to find a moral will be jailed. All attempting to find a point WILL BE SHOT!!! Anyone finding unacknowledged quotes from authors, living or otherwise, within the confines of this mental universe known as Gobbleland will be severely ignored. All persons disliking this publication will cease to exist.
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